Stay

Death or leave?

She chose to stay.

It was never a question.
It was an obvious choice.

She gained strength in many magical ways from loving family and friends.

She thanked God for giving her strength.
She thanked God for the healing.
She thanked God for the unlimited support.
She couldnt ask for more.

She is recovering day by day.
Even though there were times when she felt embarassed and upset, she knew that moment will eventually pass.
Those moments won’t define her life.
Those moments will become some stories to laugh at when she grows old.
She knew that.

She also realised that it’s ok to feel hurt sometimes. All she needs to do is to laugh and shake it off.

It was not easy but she pulled it off. 🙂

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Stay

Death or leave?

She chose to stay.

It was never a question.
It was an obvious choice.

She gained strength in many magical ways from loving family and friends.

She thanked God for giving her strength.
She thanked God for the healing.
She thanked God for the unlimited support.
She couldnt ask for more.

She is recovering day by day.
Even though there were times when she felt embarassed and upset, she knew that moment will eventually pass.
Those moments won’t define her life.
Those moments will become some stories to laugh at when she grows old.
She knew that.

She also realised that it’s ok to feel hurt sometimes. All she needs to do is to laugh and shake it off.

It was not easy but she pulled it off. 🙂

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Superhero is nothing without a costume

The girl who was suffering.

She studied psychology.

She was taught ways to help people.

She was taught how to be emphatic of others’ situation.

She was taught not to judge a prostitute because no child would ever write that as their ambition. .

She was taught that mental disorders are common in the world.

But

If the disorders are so common in the world, why does it seems like it is not common in a classroom?

Why didn’t any of her lecturers taught her self-care or self-heal?

Why does it seems like she was the only one suffering?

Why don’t anyone notice that the person who needed help wasn’t far away from them?

And why don’t anyone really understand that ANYONE, be it their friends, family or own self, can have mental disorders?

Superheroes help and save people
but we are not superheroes. She definitely isn’t Superwoman. She needed to be saved too. But who can she turn to?

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Matcha, her happiness

The girl who was an outcast.
She had fun yesterday with her friends outside of her course.
Her lips were stretch up more than ever.
The cafe echoed with her laughter.

She ate her favourite Matcha dessert.
She experienced happiness once again while letting Matcha icecream melted in her mouth.
She ate like a child.
She felt genuinely happy.

Then, she realised something.
She realised something was missing when she was depressed.

She forgot to love herself.

After that trip, she promised to go back to that place again.
She promised to treat herself the happiness again.

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Depression is not an excuse

The girl who was an outcast.
She said she wanted to leave. (I had heard it for a thousands times)
She said she needed an escape.
She wished again and again to escape this misery.
She swore to start anew.

But she is still stuck in where she is.
She planned her escape but she haven’t make it happen.
She didn’t take any action.
She only wished.
She only cried.
She can only blame herself.

Because depression never allows a person to make something happens.
The victim can only follows what depression decides for them…

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Catching air

The girl who became an outcast.
She had fun today. With her friends outside of her own course.
She spoke happily.
She forgot why was she depressed for the past few days.
She spoke without fear.
She spoke without feeling the urge to cry.
She felt like she could be happy once again.

But,
When night approached,
She was depressed again.
She felt like her happiness today is only temporary.
She felt like leaving again.
She yawned more than yesterday.
She felt tired.
She felt that nobody actually really cares for her.

She felt like an empty shell.
Her heart is filled with nothing but emptiness.
But, she knew she cannot think of the negatives again.

That is why she is now catching air.

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Death or Leave

That girl who was an outcast.
She has depression.
She sighed more than she normally did.
She yawned more than she used to in one day.
She did not have any motivation to do her assignments.
She strolled around her house for few minutes because she did not know what else to do.
She took note of the tall buildings unconsciously wondering will she be dead if she jumped off the building.
She slept more than 12 hours again.
Her heart was beating irregularly.
She got nervous for nothing.

But she had another plan.
She could just leave this place, not towards death but to another country.

But this means she needed to quit university.
She will need to disappoint her parents.
She will need to leave the place she is familiar with.
She will need to live by herself.
She will need to earn money without a degree.

What will she choose?

The easy way – Death
Or
The hard way – Leave?

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Depression

The girl who became an outcast.
She felt suffocated in that 3 hours class.
She wanted to escape and not study anymore.
She felt lonely.
She felt like everything she did and said was humiliating.
She thought everyone hate her.

She needed to recharge her energy every single time.
She needed to remind herself that “everything will be ok”, “this is only temporary” and “there are people who still cares for you”.. But how long can this chanting lasts?

She knew that she cannot keep thinking of the negatives. But what can she do? Does she even have a choice?

But she is tired now..

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Outcast

The person who was misunderstood.
She was sitting alone in the corner.
She was neglected.
She laughed alone when the whole class was laughing.
She was hurting inside.
She was sufferring badly.
She needed an escape like she needed to chase after the air to breathe.
She wanted to scream her lung out.

But her feeling will never be known to you. Because what can you do about it?

But
Have you seen her? Because she needs to know that she is not alone.

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You are fading but not disappearing

To you who can’t seem to get out of this miserable-brain-maze,

Being misunderstood is like getting into a prison without doing anything wrong. You felt helpless. You felt nothing but worthless. You feared the isolation. You were trapped behind the bars and your mind. You can’t seem to escape from this miserable rectangled room. Sometimes, one or two people came to visit you to see how you were doing but other times, you were left alone with your helpless depressed heart.

What should you do? Feeling regret doesn’t seem like a good choice. Because what have you done? Feeling worthless and helpless are of no help.

You wanted out of this. Out of everything. But nobody can help you. You are trying to find a lighted tunnel that can lead you out of this miserable prison. But where is the light? Where can you find it?

If only you can break the wall, but that will hurt your hand. If only you can shout and ask for help, but no one will be there. If only you can cry, but probably nobody cares.

People passed by your cell.

“Stand strong”, she said. But how?

“You are not alone”, he said. But who was there?

At the end of the day, you are still all by yourself. You will still be suffering alone, crying yourself to sleep. You are desperate to hold on to feeling hurt as if you are afraid that “hurt” will leave you like everyone else. Because… what else can you do?

Yes, your feelings and energy are fading day after day but I am glad that you are not disappearing…